Sometimes I wonder if I just don’t believe in eternal life. I say I do, and I know its true. But when I live my life like this is home, and not like I’m going to live forever in eternity, I wonder if it is ignorance, lack of faith, or due to the fact that I am human and unable to comprehend the meaining of its depth. The latter seems like such a copout excuse to not being as Christ-focused as I should be, though.
How do I find a balance of living for God and living like this life, here, is important? When its meerly a smidgin of eternity, of life forever, of the absolute never end. Its soooo difficult to fathom and wrap my brain around the concept I feel like crying. Because God is SO great and amazing? Or because for some reason the unknown scares me, or I guess just makes me nervous. And I shouldn’t be nervous. I should be rejoicing. But I am not worried I’m not going to make it. It is the fact that I am challenging myself about what I really believe. Do I really, truely believe that God is God and this life is meerly a blink of an eye compared to eternity? I don’t know. I want to say yes. I believe yes. But to live “yes” is much more difficult.
Does that make sense? I hope so. I’m just so discouraged sometimes. Like I am running after the wrong thing when I should be running after something else. I am not talking about running after sin when I should be in church. But I mean am I running after a part of God that I believe is important and real when really I am just being legalistic and following the wrong thing the entire time. I get confused easily. The devil uses that against me.
For example: I had to write a paper on Euthenasia; whether I was for or against it. Well, I said I was against it; but when I explained to my teacher what I felt was right, he said Dr. Kavorkien (sp?) would have been proud of me. Meaning, I thought I was against it, but explaining it in a different context made it seem as I was for it all along.
I don’t want to be in a similar situation with God. I don’t want to say I believe one thing, but live and believe something completely different. I want to know, that I know, that I know, the truth and God’s will for my life.
Is that too much to ask? Okay I didn’t think so… God I know you heard all of this… Please open my ears and my heart to your words and their meanings so I may hear and live truth, and only truth.