him.

so its been over a month since we started hanging out –> “talkin” w/e  

and… i still like him… shocking! RIGHT?  lol nah i’m j/p    i dunno

he asked me last night why i like him. I said:

1) because he’s real

2) he’s straight forward and in your face

3) he cares

and that was all i gave him. Now i know there are more reasons than that… but when you’re put on the spot, its like your mind goes blank and you’re left lookin like an idiot. and i fall for that everytime. ha!

but really. I do like him for those reasons, but he’s also:

4) motivated.

5) he has his priorities straight– cares about what he needs to get done before he plays

6) he’s funny

7) outgoing

8) calls it how it is

and then theres things you can’t just ‘list’ you know?

like i love when he’s working on a car… usually roxy. You watch his face light up and even those he’s frustrated, you can tell he could be doing nothin else to make him happier. I also like when he just stares at me, analyzes me and takes a deep breath before he’s about to tell me what he was just thinkin. I like when he’s explaining something to me i don’t understand, and he loves it caz he gets to teach something new to someone. I also like when he answers the questions i’m thinkin without even knowing they’re in my head. Like when i think about “us” he throws it in my face how things are. And he always refers back to the beginning when he first started talkin and he’s right everytime. He keeps my head clear of wish-wash yet at teh same time sends it spinning.

I like the fact we’ve been like this way with each other for this long an we’ve never kissed. In fact, he kissed me on the cheek for the first time this past wednesday. He’s never tried to “touch” me, or feel me up or even go in for a big sloppy one. And again, just as I think that, he says it.. ” you know britt i’m not gonna just grab you adn start slobberin all ova you…” and it makes me laugh, caz he says things i’m too shy or embarrassed to say. I like it.

But on the other hand it all makes me sad. Caz i like him, but its gonna be a while before we actually get a chance to be something. And its not like i wanna be something, it ALL falls down to this question.

What do I want?

I have no idea. And he told me that i can’t worry about what he wants, or what he’s doing, I can’t worry about becky, I can’t worry about face, I can’t worry about my family, I need to worry about me first and then figure out the rest. And he is SO right… again. lol I just… I dunno… I’m so used to doin everything to make everyone else happy. And i’m not complainin at all! I love being able to do something to bring a smile to someones face! Its just I have forgotten to live my life according to what I need to do and what I need to do for others. I can’t get my life in order doing what everyone else wants me to do first.  And he’s doing what he’s gotta with his life first. He works, he goes to class, he fixes samantha- then suzy M-Th. Then on friday saturday sunday, he finishes doin other stuff and then he gets to see me. I understand that order and I respect that order. I just sometime lose focus. Caz i know I would rather see someone I care about then do stuff i know i HAVE TO get done. you know? But I can’t keep doing this to myself because this is the exact thing i’m doing thats going to keep me livin in the past.

These are the reasons I can’t move on in relatinoships. These are the reasons i’m still in lima. These are the reasons my faith is still exactly where its been the last three years. Of course its been up and down some in between, but i’m no better than i was 3 years ago. And its the reason i’m still sittin in my living room typing on xanga… still unable to play the guitar like i wanted, still unable to finish a song on the piano, still unable to run a mile without dying first, still unable to find excitement in my Bible, still talkin to face more than i do God, still workin at JCP, still workin at B&N and still doing nothin to achieve my goals and dreams in life.

Which are what? I dunno… caz I still haven’t made the time for myself to figure out exactly what those are.

bn.

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