Two years ago.

So I just read over my posts from exactly two years ago and it stuns and saddens me to see i’m still living in the same mess i’ve been in…

FOR   TWO   YEARS!!!!!!

What am I doing with my life?!?!?  Really?!?!   I’m dealing with the same crap with him that I was dealing with two years ago… and I told myself that I was going to stop everything with him… not let myself be tortured forever… quit all the bs i’d been dealing with time after time after time and there I look and realize… Wow… I’ve been doing this for at least the last two years… and I know the year and a half before it wasn’t a breeze… ugh. 

I wonder what I wrote about a year ago… lets fast forward…

Wow… a year ago i was sad I hurt him… why was i ever sad for him? I was sad I hurt him…

Why the hell was i sad i hurt him?!?!?!?!   Why? Why? Why?

Why am i still sad and confused and unhappy and missing him when i have something pontentially great standing right in front of me hand i’m not even sure I want it!  I dunno what I want!! 

I know all I want is to quit, move away and cry.

I don’t want to be in Lima anymore but I feel like I have all these obligations I have to so tend to. It sucks.

I want away.

I hate that I’ve been fighting this battle for soon what will have been 3 years.

Why did I do what I did? Why did I break promises? Why did I give him everything? Why, at 23, am I still sitting on my parents couch in my parents living room, typing on the same old laptop, about the same old face that I continue to let hurt me over and over and over. I am hurt daily by him. He hurts me everyday by not being by my side like he should have been.

I’m alone and scared. I’m scared I’m going to let myself be stuck this way for the rest of my life.

God help me.




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