So for the last 5 months God told to do something simple. And I wouldn’t do it. I didn’t want to. It was a simple sacrifice, and I wouldn’t let it go.
I love Face more than I have ever loved anyone. Ever. But right now at this time in my life, I know he is not the man for me. At least right now he’s not. I honestly have no idea what the future holds, but I do not want to say never. But since January, God blantantly told me I need to, I have to, let him go. Put the whole situation of my relationship with God, my future husband, my friendship and love for face… all of it… in His hands.
Sounds simple right? WRONG. For how much I say I trust God, me saying no means I had no faith in Him. That sucks. Caz I do trust Him. I completely trust His plans for my future. Because I know He is going to give me someone that is more than I ever felt I deserved. But I finally did it.
I have heard two stories that really kind of pertain to my situation. The first is from a non biblical perspective. It has to do with a little girl and her pearls. To me, this story is about my future and putting it all in God’s hands with blind, but true faith.
The second story is one many have heard. It is about Abraham sacrificing Isaac. Isaac was all Abraham wanted and God wanted him to then sacrifice him. But Abraham knew, and he trusted God fully that he led that boy up to the mountain to kill him with blind faith becuase he knew God knew what he was doing.
It is now my turn to be that little girl and be Abraham. Time for me to be typed Christ. Time for me to represent the Word. Because God is the word and the word is the same yesterday today and tomorrow. If God fulfilled this same promise to Abraham, and the same promise to Jesus, then He will only have to fulfill the same promise to me. BECAUSE HE IS THE SAME: YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND FOREVER! No more shoving God in the closet and only taking him out for an opinion on a cute outfit. Too often that’s what we do, only ask Him when we all have an agreeable answer. I hate putting God in a box and I know he hates it too. a) He doesn’t fit and b) God was not meant to take orders.
For the longest time too I felt it was face that needed to be the one to change. Me too, but not as much. But as I analzye the situation more and more. I realize it was not my family never giving him a fair chance, or my “religion or church” persay. But it was me. It was me the whole time. I blamed what I felt him shortcomings were on my environment; the package that comes alot with me. And here I’m seeing it wasn’t that at all. But it was me that was cutting him short. I was me keeping him on the loose end of the rope. I realize now more than ever that this “letting go” is not as much or if not more for him; but this REALLY is for me. I am the reason its not working. I am the reason I carry my judgments. Perhaps I may not have forgiven him like I said I had, like I thought I had. Because I know he changed. I know he changed for me. In fact, I have never seen an individual so genuinly change in that amount of time for that long of a time. I know he truly loves me with everything that’s in him. Because I know he meant it when he says it. I feel like a wretch for putting him through so much and never making him any promises. Even though i know how I felt, he was right. I never really directly stated my feelings. I told him I loved him, but not like he did me. But I felt like I couldn’t say I loved him the same becuase I wasn’t sure. I do love him more than I ever loved anyone. But the love he feels for me, commited for life. I couldn’t say the same, becuase I am one of those people that want the cake and eat the whole thing too. I need to know all options before I can make a decision to be happy. And I’m beginning to realize that that way I am is actually torturing me.
What I now know I need to do is have a blindsided relationship with God now. I’ve made it this far, I made it through this feat, time to start taking it seriously. This covenant I have made with God does not just stop here. It doesn’t start with “don’t talk to Face” and suddenly be “all bliss and welcome future!” I have to really take God seriously now. Really.
Time to be in my word. In prayer. In submission. In sacrifice. Live for God like I have never lived before.
Do I plan to be married in the next 5 years? Ppsshhh! NO! So why am I holding back like I’m waiting for prince charming to give me a better ultimatum. Sometimes I am so stupid. Well this dirty, nasty flesh is stupid.
But in the mean time through all of this, I need to and I am going to continue to pray for Face like I have never prayed before. This is his turn to find true and pure redemption. And if any of you actually read my blog (the few times I actually post) and you pray; please pray for me and pray for Face too. He needs it. I need it. I want God to bless him so abundantly, but Face needs to work things out with God first. And I truly believe He will. But nothing happens without prayer. It is all only by the grace of God do miracles occur from life defeating moments. I believe with all my heart Face is on the right path. And I am so so so excited to see what God has in store for him!
Love and Prayers everyone, and thank you for all you have been for me.