So I don’t know why i push people away… I just do. Not one single person completely knows me. The real. me. Not at all…. and i think its becuase I won’t let anyone. Its the typical “i got hurt” I guess… which is stupid caz i don’t know a single person who hasn’t been hurt. Maybe I’m afraid of hurting others… so i push them away before i get the chance… but really when i push them away i am hurting them,,,, but in a different way… i just let them give up on me so i don’t have to worry about facing conflict… caz i hate conflict. but whether i embrace conflict, or i push it away, i still end up feeling the same. its just the way i do it i’m always out a good friend. sometimes a really good friend… and i don’t think theres really anything i can do about it at this point. so once again i do something to show how so much more i just suck at life lol
i’m tired of being a bad friend… but its like… how do i get out of this funk? and how do i do it with out making it look like i’m trying to ruin something great for him? I really did care about him… just not the way he wanted me to. and sometimes i don’t think i cared about him the way i wanted to….
i wouldjust let each day slip through my fingers and not realize a week had passed since i had last talked to him. its not like intentionally blew him off… i just keep myself so busy so i don’t have to worry about thinking… i just take my day as it comes and talk to people as they talk to me and keep pushing through so i can arrive at this place that i didn’t even know i was travelling to.
does any of this make sense? am i nuts? I am sorry I pushed you away. really. I regret letting go of a good friend. but i do really really want you to be happy. and i mean that.