hurtin…

There are many times in my life where I feel I have done the wrong thing… this is one of those times.

What am I to do?  I know I know… HUMBLE MYSELF HA caz I’m good at that…
I am still very much on my side… but on the other hand…  I am still very much even against myself!
But as I begin to be so selfish and think about how I was right and how I was the one hurt and how I was the one annoyed… I keep remembering how its not even about me anyways…
 
There are times where I am SO obsessed with myself that I forget other people have feelings… I get so wrapped up in what I have to say, think, or feel, that other people just dont matter… And I do see that!   NOW….  ha.
But I beleive that its too late to realize this… I have already destoyed the whole purpose of what I was meant to be to this person anyways…   I wasn’t meant to be his ex… I wasn’t meant to be his friend really… I wasn’t even meant to be someone to work with him…
I mean I was meant to be all of those essentially…
But I was really meant to be his testimony. I am supposed to be God’s shining light to all the world…
I have already seriously damaged any hope of being a true testimony to someone who was lost and doesn’t even know it. What kind of Christian am I?!?!  I thought I was doing okay… Until I look back and realize that I took a vacation and seriously failed that assignment…
And unfortunately, this assignment was weighted a significant amount of my grade   


………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I’m beginning to realize that life is like golf.   It doesn’t matter what club you use… the swing has to be the same.

Same with life… it doesn’t matter what obstacle we come across… We are supposed to desire the same result even when factoring in the different levels of difficulty!   And even as golf is… We make it SO MUCH MORE harder than what it really needs to be…
The more we see a problem, we forget the basics, we try and figure it out all by ourselves, which further complicates our mess in the first place. And we do all this without making it easy and going to our Instructor and allowing Him to help you fix your problem. Which you eventually find out you either already knew how to fix it but you clouded the solution with your obssession of self knowledge. Or you just forgot what it meant to go back to the basics and relearn the stroke that affects and determines the entire outcome of the game.
So I learned a little bit of alot tonight.
Instead of running out to fix it though, I think I need time to let God fix me first. Then I believe He will help me fix the rest. I’m hurting and I know God can heal that too…
And I have to still live through all this without thus further hating myself for being an idiot!!  UGH! Please tell me how that is possible… 
bn

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