i notice that our time only runs on your time…. whatever is best for you… never a sacrifice…. truly… never a sacrifice.   

i wanna talk, but apparently its okay that we remain in this limbo that tortures me becuase its okay for you… you say your “sowwwwwy” but your not sick over sorry… you’re not on the verge of a breakdown in the middle of the fitness center… you’re not the one who eats your foods and fears its gonna make it through faster than a 100 meter race… you’re not the one who cant even have their own thoughts that dont involve you being so crewl and you dont even know it.

and you keep on acting like i’ll always be there… and i wish i could say i will be… or at least i used to wish. you act like i’m always gonna be around, always gonna be here as soon as you need me. FACE! whose always there when you and kirsten fight? whose there when whats her colorado face is gone… sherri? whose always there when your jobs not? whose there tellin you you could be who you wanted to be if you continued to be motivated.whose always there when everyone wants to be your friend but no one wants to know you? who did everything they possibly could for you (even when you wanted nothing to do with them) just trying so hard and wanted so badly for you to be happy? and lastly, last of all, who is there there every time your STUPID HONDA isn’t?

truth is face, i’m not gonna be around forever… i’m gettin closer and closer to my end every day and i cant keep putting forth my time on people who dont care. maybe i shoud caz eventually someday, they will care, but, i’m seeing what this world is about and its not this. its not our things, its not our toys, its not our hondas, its not our pride. its none of this.  its about God, truly, it really is. like this life is really about Him. He gave us this life and too many people are wasting it! WHY!?   this is stupid! i’m stressed caz people are ignorant! they dont wanna accept that theres more to this life caz that means they’ll have actually think, actually use their minds, and actually have a true faith. but that takes dedication, and poeple are  not used to being dedicated to anything caz they have always gotten let down. so thats life.

OMG WHO HASN”T BEEN THROUGH THIS! WHY DOES EVERYONE ACT LIKE THEY”RE THE ONLY ONES SUFFERING IN THIS DISGUSTING FLESH THAT WE HAVE TO BE STUCK IN UNTIL WE DIE. AND EVEN AFTER WE DIE, IF WE DONT HAVE THAT RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD THAT WE NEED THEN WE’RE OFF TO HELL. WHICH IF YOU LOOK AROUND…. IS PRETTY MUCH MOST OF THE WORLD. AND THEN I HAVE TO TRY MY BEST TO BE A CHRISTIAN, LIVE LIKE A CHRISTIAN, BE IN MY WORD AND REMIND MYSELF CONSTANTLY THAT IM IN A RELATIONSHIP W MY LORD. AND HE WONDERS WHY I AM THE WAY I AM. FACE LET ME FILL YOU IN ON SOMETHING…

before you know it i wont be around and you’ll be left with everything else on this earth that let you down, including yourself, and you’ll be stuck exactly wehre you are now. nowhere.

dont sap me to feel bad for your rough upbringing! becuase to be real honest… its all caz you dont wanna really try. caz that takes effort.

if you put all that energy that u put into hunk of junk that you wish you could drive and be who i know who you could truly truly be then this problem between us would never be here and you would be a person that i would never let go. someone i would never wanna let go. but i’ll tell ya wat . im to that point where i cant hold on any longer.

but maybe thats my sacrifice i need to deal with…  IF I KNEW that i could die, for you to truly, TRULY, live…. i’d do it. it’d be worth it, knowing that you would really know what living the good life is like.

bn

 

HA! and i write like you actually one day read these…. but i know… i know that you’ll never know…

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