you know depression is a [bad word]

you know depression is a [bad word]

like i find it interesting how when someone finds out that their friend is depressed they’re like wow… i never knew…

and i just wanna be like DUH  i’m not gonna walk around and be emo and cut myself and be like “woe is me”! its just funny caz people expect depressed people to look like they do on the commercials; but be like that in public… hmm riiiggghhhtt… caz i want the world to know how i feel.    NO! i’m gonna keep to myself and pretend that EVERYTHING IS OKAY! caz thats how it should be right? so if i tell myself this enough times that maybe i’ll start to believe it.   WOW i just sounded like Raul there… well thats no good.

but i dont think i’m depressed, no worries people, its just wat i was thinking about it caz i read alot of my previous posts from the last year and a half and you saw it coming and i dont understand why i didnt get out sooner… i think it was caz i was so vulnerable. i wanted to be appreiciated so bad! caz i knew wat i had to offer! i was amazing. energetic. fun. optimistic. and a true friend. i just felt like i truly deserved someone like that in return, so i did everything i possibly could, literally everything, to try and be that for both of us. It became extremely exhausting, and overwhelming and i couldn’t do it. caz in all the energy it took me to satisfy everyone else all day long and twice the energy for him, i had nothing left for myself. and when i was by myself. i was usually crying myself to sleep every night, and convincing myself it was worth it.

but people just never knew.



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