most days i hate that i still love Raul…. but its gettin better… i realize that when he says something that hurts or references another girl, i just push past the jealousy and be the bigger person… and it feels better, and i know its working caz i’m beginning to not so much “care less” but its just easier…

i care for him so much that i almost feel like its destroying me… that it hinders me, but you know thats life… i made the decisions i did and i am reaping the consequences thats what we do… but through all this i am still trusting God to get me through all this and i KNOW that he is… its gettin so much easier to not wanna see him and its gettin a whole lot easier to not wanna talk to him …  most days…

i may do really well for like a week and then i go crazy like “OMG I MISS HIM SO MUCH WHY DID IT HAVE TO END THE WAY IT DID!?!?!”  and it makes me wonder if i’m really making progress or not…

LOL  i’m kinda making myself laugh right now caz i think back to what i wrote about him before about lying to me and cheating on me and then i realize how truly stupid i am that he did all that… took my heart and alot of other things and I STILL TALK TO HIM AND CARE ABOUT HIM!! its like… WTF is wrong with me?!?!  am i that stupid?!?!  

then i realize that when you give something up as special as what i did, it does create that unbreakable spiritual bond between you two that it makes it nearly impossible to let go. thats hard.. becuase even when i’m over him… it still affects you drastically just thinking that he is with someone else…. because of what i did with him. he is mine. but i guess it was almost worse for me because i not only gave him my virginity but i gave him my heart along with it….

i told mom that i didnt love him… but as time went on and began to evaluate everything from a different perspective than from a heart broken girl who was angry and upset and just broke up with her boyfriend….  my head wasn’t straight then… it was too much to take in all at once and still dish out at the same time… I didnt know the answers to anyones questions. becuase at that point i was so lost and didnt know right from wrong and wrong from right, everyone was mad at me and hurt at me and it was all such a mess that i couldn’t stand anything and wanted to disappear…

 and i couldnt even run to Raul caz of everything… not the things that we did, but becuase of what he did to me… for the fact that we broke up for a reason… a reason between me and him… i didnt break up with him becuase of the church.  and i think thats what people thought… caz he was there that night at church and i think people just assumed that we were still together… but we weren’t! we weren’t! i wasn’t lying to people when i said we broke up… but i think thats what people thought… that i was just lying to everyone to make them feel better… but why would i do that? i understand i “avoided” the truth or just leave things out. but i never blatently lied to anyone about our relationship… i understand i broke a promise that i made to God and dad, but i’m deeply sorry for that and again, i’m reaping those consequences. and I know God forgave me, thats why i am where i am, and i’m pretty sure dad forgave me.

but what am i gonna do now… i lost my bible and i know thats a lame excuse caz i can always just go grab another one in my house but i dunno… i’m just lazy and i’m even behind in all my homework which doesn’t matter caz the bible is more important than that anyways… so what do i know?

but yea thats just what i’m thinkin right now.  but God, you know what i’m thinking, you know what i’m feeling, you know my remorses and what i dont care about, and those are things that i know that you will fix in me. and i’m excited for that caz i can see what you’re doing in me now and i’m excited about that

but i also need to do something with the lost… but i get so overwhelmed! caz i see everyone out there whose lost. and it scares me… like… THERE ARE ALOT OF PEOPLE GOING TO HELL! thats scares me caz i dont know what to do.. like im not able to see just one piece at a time.. im only seeing the whole puzzle and its so overwhelming that i just FREAK!  HELP ME GOD… thats not what i want… i wanna be able to tell people… but maybe that could be my gift, i know i have an enlightening personality and some people see something different in me, but do they always? can they just look at me and tell something is different? besides my personality? like that girl i saaw at SAL’s… THERE WAS SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT HER! and i know it was Jesus… do people see that in me? i just dunno…   but i wanna be at that place… i really really do,,, and i wanna get there without seeing it as something super overwhelming.

well i’m out for right now.

bn

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