can i indirectly break up with someone like this? like is it huname at all?   he doesn’t really like me like he says he does, i’ve just turned into a nobody pretty much… when he’ll talk to his ex more than me i begin to wonder…. when he talks to his friends who are girls more than me i begin to wonder and when he won’t call me at night anymore i begin to wonder… and i can honestly say that if i cut out the words “yay” and “k” and “nice” from our conversation vocabulary then i can say he pretty much doesn’t talk to me at all… and when i do say somethign to him to hold a conversation, he instantly beats it down to a pulp in the groud with a “yay” , “k” or “nice” and continues on like i’m just a pretty trophy to look at and then carry on like i dont’ exsist… he says i’m cute but don’t tell me i’m beautiful, he says he cares about me but doesn’t show it like a boyfriend, he tells me to trust him but gives me know reason, adn every defense he will give me when i’m upset always has such a dead end to it that i know its not true… and he says that no  matter what happens between us he wants to stay friends…. but i don’t think i could do that, because as a friend how will he treat me if he can’t treat me wonderful as a girlfriend…. he lost my trust… i will flat out say i do not trust him… from teh moment he felt he had to delete stuff off his phone before i could mess with it i no longer trusted him because if he has to hide stuff from me then he’s not being honest… and i’m not down with that… thats not how i roll and when i wanna talk about it… its “no big deal” and he makes me look like a psycho biathy girlfriend for even “looking” at him like that…. so i dunno…. i want him to disappear and never come back, like maybe he’ll fail at school and move back home and i won’t have to talk to him anymore… i think i could handle that… like when me and shannon stopped talkin and hangin out i didn’t know what to do with my time, and then when me ans steve stopping talkin and hanging out i didn’t know what to do with my time, but i know that if me and raul stopped talkin and hanging out, i wouldn’t sit around and wonder what i can do with my time like i have so much stuff i could be doin for myself that i wonder if i’d be happier if i had no attachment o him watsoever….  i hate relationships and i hate dating and i hate it all… i hate the fact that i can’t trust him… i wish i never went out with him, i wish that we only were friends and nothin ever came of us… i would have gotten over that jealously state i went thru and been alot happier…. like i saw cody again tonight… it was nice…. i miss hanging out with him, but its too late i messed that up for a chance to really unhappy…. wow i’m such a winner… i’m ready to leave here and start over… i’m not runnign away but i just want to start over… i want to be one of those alone mistresses that own their own dutch colonel house and fix it up and paint it inside and out and listen to my little radio in the dusty kitchen and out everything i have into that passion that is mine from God and just do wonderful things from there, and then get a teaching job and be an art teacher and inspire young ones… inspire them so deeply that they will be so into what they learned about art and Jesus that they would one day not remember my name but be able to remember everything i taught them…. sigh… the dreams that will never come true… and i know they won’t come true mostly because the end of the world is coming and i dont’ have time to do all that HAHA… so yea back to reality… i’m depressed, unhappy and annoyed caz i HAVE TO start my report… GRRR   ok i’ll write later….



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