so its been over a month… i guess its time for an update…  

 uhm i will be in 2 weddings in the next 3 weeks…  i cna’t believe  2 of my best friends are getting married!!!! OMG… ok well ali is married but an actually wedding… EEK!!! i’m super excited… it could be the whole fact too that i have to tan for all this so i’m not feelin lke a ghost either,,,  heh heh….   i know selfish me! 

but anywayz… besides that i dunno… i’m working still JCP actually gave me hours and i picked up a 2nd job… its kinda illegal by JCP  but yea… i won’t get arrested or anything but yea i just can’t say nothin ….

also….  uhm i’m stil goin to school FULL time… why i’m killing myself with 17 credit hours is beyond me… and i’m doin it again next quarter too!!   its really startin to catch up to me tho…. like i sleep but its never enough and i’m just not feelin good and i can never get ahead while in school either i’m always doin stuff for one class in another and i’m barely treading to keep my head above water…….  i can’t wait to be done tho… i’ve pretty much decided to screw the idea of playing bball caz i don’t care anymore and i want to be done with school so if everything goes the way i want it to…i’ll be graduated by the end of fall quarter then its get the hell outa lima! 

i’m not waiting around for anyone either… i just want out and i want away from it all and i’m tired of the same stupid stuff every single day from every single person from every single guy from every single customer every single boss every single teacher and just everything!  i’m tired of it i’m tired of it i’m tired of it…. i hate having to move on in life… like i was happy at one time… i was happy at certains times in my life… with the people i hung out with, with the job that i had, with the fact that i didn’t have to attatch the title “boyfriend” to anybody that i talked to; it was pure freedom… and now i feel like i’m in a cage and i can’t get out and i’m tied down and i can’t truly say how i feel… i dunno y either… caz the worst that would happen is he would break up with me but since i don’t seem happy anyway it’d almost be a win win situation but it hurts thinkin about it… caz its like separating yourself from a person is outa the norm and being away from that person is outa the norm and i don’t like being away from my usual element so i will carry on with this toture to satisfy my unhappy heart?  wow as i type this i realize more and more how much i don’t but do make sense to myself…

i’m coming closer and closer to the conclusion that i may be becoming depressed….   like i’m not hungry and when i’m really upset i can’t eat…. not that i won’t eat, but i CAN”T   and i’m just super sad and i hate raul for still loving kirsten…. its not FAIR!!!   and i can’t ever concentrate caz i’m constantly thinking about it… and i hate work… i hate everything about it,…. well except for the people the people are awesome!  but i’m ready for my desk job… i’m ready for my 8-5… i’m ready to be all about the real world and forget that i ever went through all this petty stuff thats gettin me absolutely NOWHERE!   i’m worn out on life… i’m just tired…   

well back to my current reality in writing a paper…. ok ok i need to be realistic… thinking about starting a paper and finishing my geography project…. i need it done by tonight… give me a free weekend!  YAY!! 

bb

p.s.  debbie i miss you!!  15 days til i see you

p.s.s.   i’m sad caz shannon is gone and when i need him the most i don’t have him 😦     so i need llama!

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