the return of xanga

you know i’ve decided i think i’m going to allow my xanga back into my life… i need to recontrsuct the whole thing… but i’m almost torn to delete my current pic caz it brings back such good memories…. *sigh*   

anywho…. i don’t know where to start on here again… its like not seeing one of your best friends for like 6 months and then suddenly hangin out again, its like on of those moments wehre you want to skip everything thats happened and start up where you’re at now but i dunno……

so much is going on… besides school i’m thinkin of trasnfering, not only that but changing my major, or even taking and internship down in grenada, but with that i’ve been praying about it n stuff but maybe i should wait on it just a little longer, like go down again in the summer and see if its what God really really wants me to do….. so i’m so torn as to where i’m supposed to be, but i really feel lead to say that ITS NOT HERE!!!!

and then on the guy front i want to give up completely!  but i tell you wat he drives me totally nuts, one second i just wanan be like find go away and disappear and never come back and see if i care nad then next i’m like o sure ya lets hang out, gosh the mind of a girl is so complicated i can honestly say I CAN’T EVEN FIGURE IT OUT!!!!!!  i might say right but think left, or say no but think yes and i’m so two-sided about wat i’m saying i’m driving myself crazy like i’m feelin so hypocrytical….

everytime i ask God to take something away in my life i’m turned right around and challenged as to if its really wat i want and i try and try and fail and fail adn i’m just startin to really break down and realize i can’t take it anymore…. can i just have my own little bubble and esacpe for like a century adn start everything over….. like i jsut got done reading this book for history about a slave who was born free and catpured adn sold into slavery… adn there wasn’t anything he could do about it, he couldn’t tell people was a free man becuase they would just beat him and beat him more for being who he really was; it was that or they sold him so far down into a level a of slavery that dying sounded like a glorious option….. and its almost how i’m feeling… like i feel like i’m been stolen by this world i’m living in adn everytime i try to stand up to it and say no thats not who i am, i just get beat up and knocked down and i just can’t get out, the more i long to be free the further and further i get sucked in to the point where its not worth even trying anymore….. i want out so bad i want delivered so bad i just want to know what i’m supposed to do! God what is it you want me to surrender, what is it i need to do, wat is it i need to hear?!?!!? God, WHAT!?!?!?!

thats all for tonight



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